Chapter 3. Explanations…
Tony had left Gibbs' house as if there was someone running after him. He needed to think but Gibbs' words were still ringing in his ears… "I love you, Tony". It could not be true. Gibbs had not said those words. But what disturbed Tony the most was the way he had himself reacted to Gibbs' words.
He had gay friends and it had never bothered him. So why had he felt in danger when Gibbs had told him about his feelings. Because that's really how he had felt… as if there was a threat hidden somewhere. Even now, alone in the streets, he could still feel this fear. What was wrong with him?
He had hurt his Boss, his friend…someone he had always trusted. It was as if someone else had spoken through his mouth. He had no control on his emotions. He had to flee away from Gibbs, he had to make him understand there was no way he could have the same feelings for him.
But it was not true. Tony was well aware of the way Gibbs was looking at him. And to be honest, he had sometimes searched for this look, waited for his Boss to slap him behind his head. Tony had thought at first he was seeing in Gibbs the father he had only wished for.
His father was not the kind of father a child can dream of. Saying that his father was not a good man would be far from the truth. But Tony had learnt to live without the love of his father. Tony could still remember the day he had told his father he wanted to live his life ad that he didn't need him anymore.
Why was he thinking about his father now? He was walking in the empty streets for half an hour. He didn't really know where he was going to. He needed to clear his mind and he was thinking about his father. The old man had nothing to do with what Gibbs had told him… His father would have been more than shocked to hear a man like Gibbs say those words to another man.
Tony almost laughed at this thoughts but no sound came out of his mouth. He was standing in the middle of the street, frozen. He didn't know where this feeling came from but he knew now his father had done something…something that had made him hurt Gibbs. Not because he was disturbed by the feelings the older man had for him but because he had to protect him.
This time, Tony laughed. He had tried to protect Gibbs. As if the older man was the kind of man who needed to be protected. Tony had so many questions he could not answer that his head was pounding.
He looked around him. He didn't know where he was. He had walked without any goal for half an hour and now he didn't know what to do. He needed to talk to someone, to find some help. He needed to understand why he was feeling so bad…why he was so scared.
He could not remember the last time he had felt so terrified but he knew he had already felt like that. He could not control the fear, the anger. He had tried to protect Gibbs but now he felt like he was the one who needed protection. And he didn't know where to find it.
He could not go to Jeanne and try to explain her about what had just happened. She would understand and she would probably try to help him. But Tony didn't want her help. He had feelings for her but he was unable to tell her exactly what he was feeling. He was not even able to show her what she meant to him. He had tried many times to talk to her but the words had remained stuck in his throat.
One name came to his mind. He was always s thinking about the same person when he needed help. But he was not sure it was a good idea. Gibbs had always been here for him but after what he had done to him Tony could not go back to his house and ask for help.
He was an adult and he could not stay here all day, afraid of something he didn't even understand. He had learnt with his problems alone and he could do that again today. He only had to find his car and go to work like every day…doing as if nothing had happened. He realized he would need more than words to undo what had been done.
He had made a lot of mistakes in his life but this one was a big one. He knew Gibbs would not let him work with him now. Tony loved his job and now he had to think about doing something or to work with another team. It was weird but that was not what was scaring him the most.
There was something inside him, telling him there were things more dangerous waiting for him and for Gibbs. Suddenly it hit him…Gibbs was in danger.
He could not tell how he knew that and why he was thinking that. But the feeling was here.
He had to do something to help Gibbs. He ran to Gibbs' house. He knew the older man never closed his door so it would not be a problem to enter the house. He didn't know what he would find once there. His mind was creating many scenarios but he didn't want to think about the worst. Nothing of that was rational. But Tony could not control his fear. Something was about to happen and he could not stay away and do nothing.
He stopped in front of Gibbs' house. Nothing seemed to have moved since he had left the house. Gibbs' car was still here. The door was not closed but Tony hesitated before trying to open it.
Images were coming to his mind…he could see a room, man and a young boy. He could not see their faces; he could not hear their voices. There was another boy in the room. Tony didn't understand why he was remembering this now. He was sure it was an old memory. One of the young boys was himself.
He tried to erase those images from his mind but it seemed so real. It was as if he was lost in his memory. He could not move or do anything.
Gibbs must have heard him because the older man opened the door facing Tony. The younger man didn't move. He didn't see Gibbs walking to him. He didn't hear his Boss ask him if he was ok. He was stuck in a dark room fearing for his life and the life of another boy he was not even sure to know.
Gibbs had stayed for long minutes on his couch after Tony had left his house. He didn't know what to do now. He had thought that the truth was the only solution to make Tony understand what he had done.
His coffee was now cold and he was about to go to the kitchen to take another cup when he heard some noise outside. He had had enough emotions for this morning and he didn't want to be bothered now. He walked to the door and opened it.
Once again he found Tony standing in front of him. But something had changed. Tony didn't move when he approached him. Gibbs could see the fear in his eyes but the younger man was not afraid of him. Gibbs was sure Tony could not even see him.
Gibbs placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and tried to make him come inside. The younger man followed him but it was obvious he was not aware of where he was or who was next to him.
-Tony! Can you hear me?
Tony blinked as if he was trying to wake up from a nightmare. Gibbs didn't know what to do to bring him back to the present. The older man didn't know what Tony was thinking about but it was obvious it was not a pleasant memory. Tony face was tensed.
-Tony, you have to come back. Do you hear me?
Gibbs was about to use his Boss' voice. It had always worked on Tony. He could wake him up without yelling or shaking him. But he stopped when he saw tears in Tony's eyes.
What could make him feel so bad? Tony had hurt him badly but Gibbs could not let him suffer like that.
-Tony! Come back to me!
Gibbs was holding Tony by the shoulder shaking him. Gibbs didn't want to hit Tony but he could not see any other way to bring him back.
-I hope you will forgive me, Tony.
Gibbs was sure that he felt more pain than Tony when he slapped him. But it worked. Tony blinked once more before looking at Gibbs.
-Boss?
-What happened, Tony?
Tony looked away trying to hide his emotions. The younger man was obviously shaken by what had just happened. Gibbs didn't want to rush things but Tony needed to talk about it. Gibbs had lived those kinds of events after his daughter and wife's death and he knew that keeping things inside could make things worse.
-Tony, talk to me, please. What happened?
Tony's voice was only a whisper when he talked but there was so much pain in the words he said that Gibbs froze.
-I killed him, Boss.
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