Chapter 5.
Tony had fallen asleep on the couch. Gibbs was waiting for him to wake up. Tony had never talked a lot about his family or his childhood but Gibbs was beginning to understand why Tony had not shared with anyone this part of his life.
Gibbs was thinking of things could change in only a few hours. He had thought he had lost Tony for good. It had been hard to hear him say he didn't want to see him ever again. And now, the younger was here, asleep on his couch. Tony had shared more with him in the last hour than he had in the last three years. Maybe something good would come out of this day.
It was almost 10 a.m when Tony opened his eyes. Gibbs smiled at the sight of the younger man trying to stretch without falling from the couch.
-Have you slept well?
Tony was obviously not aware that he was not alone because he almost fell on the floor when he heard Gibbs' voice.
-Take it easy, Tony. You're not in your bed.
-I figured when I heard your voice, Boss.
Gibbs would have liked to add something to what Tony had just said. But it was probably not the right moment to tell him he had dreamt many times about hearing Tony's voice when he wakes up. Tony looked at Gibbs visibly waiting for a reply. Gibbs only smiled. Tony could feel the warmth of this smile. He had not seen Gibbs smiled like that so often.
-What time is it?
-Almost 10 a.m…
Tony stood up searching for his jacket.
-I was supposed to be at work hours ago…
-I called to tell Director Sheppard you would not go to work today.
-You did what?
Gibbs could not tell if Tony was relieved or angry by the news. Tony sat back on the couch putting his head in his hands.
-What's wrong, Tony?
-Nothing. I just had forgotten for a minute what had happened in the last hours. I should go back to work…
-I think we need to talk before you go back to work.
-Don't worry, Gibbs you won't have to fire me. I'm going to talk with Director Sheppard.
Gibbs sat next to Tony and placed a hand on his knee. He had done that without really thinking about what he was doing. He suddenly realized it could bother Tony to feel so close to him and tried to take his hand away. But before he could do it Tony placed his own hand on Gibbs'.
-You really think that I want to fire you?
-I don't see how you could work with me after what I said…
Gibbs sighed. He could not think clearly when Tony was looking at him like that.
-I'm sorry, Boss.
-You already said that Tony. I don't want you to feel sorry. I want to understand why you said that… why you felt you had to protect me.
-I can't, Boss. I've never talked about it with anyone.
-Maybe it's high time you talked about it, Tony.
Gibbs could see that Tony was fighting to find a way to begin his story as he was searching a way to make it less difficult for him. Gibbs wished he could have helped but he knew Tony needed to do it alone. He had buried this secret deep inside and he had now to let it out.
After a long minute, Tony finally began to talk about the nightmare he had lived twenty years ago. Tony was not really talking to him but Gibbs could feel him tighten his hold on his hand. Gibbs was happy that he could give him some comfort even if it was not much.
-I was fourteen when I met Eric. My father had a lot of money but I didn't really like the kids he wanted me to be friend with. Eric was different. He was older and had already left school. I don't know what he was doing for a living. I didn't even know where he was living. He had told me he was living somewhere alone…
Tony remained silent for a moment. Gibbs could see he was lost in good memories. Eric must have been someone special for him. He let Tony dream for a minute.
-How did you meet him?
-He followed me one day while I was walking back home. He tried to steal my school bag.
-And you didn't let him do that?
-I ran after him and caught him. When I faced him he smiled and said "Not bad".
Tony smiled at that thought. It was good to see him smile even if it was a sad smile. Gibbs could have lost himself in Tony's eyes.
-We talked a little. The next day he was waiting for me when I left school. It became like a ritual for us. I didn't talk a lot about himself but he listened to me. He was the first person I felt safe with. It may sound weird but he was the only friend I had. At the end of the school year he told me he didn't want to wait until next year to see me again. I was supposed to go away for the summer but I could not spend the entire summer without seeing him. I found a way to stay.
Tony frowned while he was saying that and Gibbs thought about what he had to do to stay with his friend. A father would never have left his son alone an entire summer without a good reason. Tony answered his question before he could ask him.
-I failed my final tests and father decided it would be better for me to stay home to work. When he told me that I had to pretend to be sad and disappointed but he had never given me a more beautiful gift. A teacher was coming home every morning, trying to teach me things I already knew but every afternoon I could meet Eric in the park. It was a good summer. I wish I could have fled with him and never come back to this house. I had everything a kid could wish for except my father's love…
Gibbs could hear the words Tony was not saying. Eric had given him what he missed so much. He had showed him what it could be to have someone you can rely on. He had been like a brother for Tony…Maybe more than that.
-We were friends and I thought nothing could change that. I was so happy when I was with him. I didn't need anything more. At least I thought he could not give me more than his friendship…but I was wrong.
-What happened?
-One afternoon, I was early for our daily meeting. I saw him in a car with a man. I didn't understand at first what he was doing in this car. But then I saw the man give him money. I was only fifteen but I was not naïve. It became clear that Eric was not in this car not talk with this guy.
Tony closed his eyes. Thinking about this day was hard for him but it had also been the best day of his life. Gibbs was aware of Tony's confusion. Even today the younger man was not able to understand the emotions he had felt this day. He was still young and he had seen his best friend being paid for something he couldn't even imagine.
-When I asked him what he was doing with this man he didn't try to lie. He told me he was doing that for two years. I was feeling so angry that I could not say a word. We were walking in a desert part of the park. When he stopped walking I looked at him. It was the first time I saw him cry. I asked him why he was doing that…why he was taking those kinds of risks…It was not worth it…He deserved better than that.
-What did he say?
-He didn't say anything. I had no idea of what it was to live alone in the streets when you are only seventeen. I could not imagine what his life was made of. He placed a hand on my cheek and looked me in the eyes. I can still hear him. No one had ever told me what he said this day. No one told me those words again…until today…
Gibbs' heart missed a beat when he realized what Tony's words really meant.
-What did he say?
-"They are nothing for me…You're the only one I love". I believe him. He had never lied to me…He was the only person I trusted.
-You had no reason not to trust him, Tony. What were you feeling for him?
-I needed him…I loved him as a friend…as a brother. But when he kissed me I realized I had waited for that kiss for months. I know what people think…when you're only fifteen you don't know what love is. But this day Eric showed me what it meant to be loved. I had never felt something like that.
Tony went on telling Gibbs how they had spent the entire summer meeting secretly every afternoon in the park until the day Tony invited Eric at his house. There was no one at home. The woman who was supposed to look after him had left for the afternoon. Gibbs guessed what Tony was not saying.
-When I went back to school we went on with our ritual. But it was not enough. I needed more than that and I think he needed more too. One night he climbed the wall to see me. We spent the night together. I knew it was crazy and if my father saw him here it would not be good at all.
Gibbs could feel Tony's hand tremble. He had now an idea of what might have happened. He had not learnt much about Tony's family during his investigation. He only knew that Tony had not seen his father since he was eighteen.
Tony was looking at the wall in front of him. Gibbs wished he could have told him not to think about it. He wanted to tell him everything would be ok, that he would help him forgetting about what had happened. Tony spoke before he could say anything.
-One night, my father surprised us. I had never seen him so angry. I thought he was going to throw Eric out of the house or try to call his parents. But when he came closer, I saw he had drunk a lot. I tried to talk to him, to tell him it was my fault…that I had asked Eric to come here. But he didn't listen to me…He didn't even try to understand… He…
Tony's voice broke. He could not talk anymore. The emotions he had tried to control for so long had overwhelmed him. The last barriers Tony had build broke suddenly and Gibbs took him in his arms. The older man let him cry on his shoulder trying to say reassuring words, rubbing his back.
They stayed like that for long minutes before Tony could say a word.
-I'm sorry, Boss.
Gibbs didn't say anything. He could have told him there was nothing to feel sorry about but he knew Tony would not believe him. He could have said that was what friends do for each other. But words could not describe what he was feeling right now.
Probably for the first time in his life Gibbs let his heart show him the way. He put a hand on Tony's cheek like he had done only hours ago. But this time there was no fear in Tony's eyes. The younger man didn't try to go away…he didn't move when Gibbs closed the gap between them and kissed him.
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