Chapter 6.
It was not a passionate kiss but Tony could feel Gibbs' love in that kiss. He had thought he would never feel that kind of love again. Eric had been the only person he had really trusted. And today, Gibbs was willing to give it back to him. His boss was showing him there was still hope…that his father had not destroyed everything in him.
Suddenly, Tony pushed Gibbs away. The older man almost fell from the couch. Tony was breathing heavily trying to keep some control on the emotions that were overwhelming him.
-What's wrong, Tony? Did I do something wrong?
The only answer Tony could give him was a moan. The younger man closed his eyes trying to calm down.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I should not have done that. I thought…you seemed ok with it…
Tony opened his eyes again and looked directly at Gibbs.
-You did nothing wrong, Boss. It's just…I mean…
-Has it something to do with what happened to Eric? You didn't tell me what your father did when he found you two in your bedroom.
Tony sighed and lowered his eyes looking again at his hands. Gibbs didn't need to hear the entire story to understand what had happened. But he knew that Tony needed to talk about it. He had kept those events for himself for years and it was high time he put down his burden.
-My father was drunk. I'm not sure it would have changed anything if he had not drunk. Maybe he would have heard Eric pleading him to stop. He would have realized that the blood he had on his hands was coming from the seventeen year-old boy he was beating. I tried to stop him, to yell at him…telling him Eric was my friend and that if he wanted to beat someone he should do that to me…
Tony stopped talking and Gibbs took his right hand in his. He only wanted Tony to know he was not alone. He could not imagine what it had been for Tony to see his lover being beaten by his father.
-He didn't stop…Eric was not moving anymore when I came close enough to take him in my arms. My father finally realized I was here. He didn't say anything. I was crying trying to wake up Eric…I wanted him to open his blue eyes and look at me…I wanted to see him smile…I wanted to hear him tell me everything would be ok…
Tony was now crying freely letting the pain he had kept inside go. Gibbs was happy Tony had trusted him enough to tell him one of the worst moments of his life but it was hard to see Tony suffer like that.
-I don't know how long I stayed on the floor of my bedroom talking to Eric. My father had left my bedroom…He was probably asleep somewhere in the house. It was still dark when he came back. I didn't understand at first what he wanted…He was talking to me but I could not hear him…The only thing I wanted to hear was Eric's voice…but I would never hear him again…I had killed him.
Gibbs came closer. His voice was strong and tender when he talked.
-Your father killed Eric. Nothing of what happened is your fault Tony. You were only fifteen and you loved him…
-You're wrong Gibbs. I asked Eric to come…I knew my father would be angry if he found him there…but I needed him so much. If I had not asked him to come he would still probably be alive. He would not have finished his life in the dark alley where my father left him. He would not have died alone…He was only seventeen…He didn't deserve to die like that…
Gibbs would have liked to find the right words…to convince Tony there was nothing he could have done to save Eric. But he knew Tony would not believe him. The younger man was feeling guilty for Eric's death and Gibbs could understand this feeling. He had blamed himself for years for his daughter and wife's death.
He had created thousands of scenarios where he found a way to save them. He had dreamt many times that he was able to go back in the past and hold his daughter one more time. So yes he knew what Tony was feeling right now and he also knew nothing would make him feel less guilty.
-You're right; Tony. He didn't deserve that… No one deserves to die like that. But you didn't kill him…Your father did. He also killed a part of you this night. After what happened with Eric you closed your heart and never let yourself feel love again…Have you ever said "I love you" to someone after Eric?
Tony seemed to think for a moment. He didn't need much time to answer but what Gibbs had just said had touched him. He had never made the link between what had happened with Eric and the fact he was unable to say those words. He had tried to forget those events so hard that he had lived for years as if nothing had happened.
-No…Eric is the only one who heard me say those words. He is the only one who said them to me…at least he was, before today.
-That's why you reacted this way when I told you about my feelings for you?
-Not really. I was…scared.
Tony took a deep breath before going on.
-The last time I had felt so close to someone…He died in my arms. I could not let this happen to you.
Gibbs was now feeling a little confused by Tony's words. Only a few hours ago, he had left his house telling him he should be ashamed to have such feelings. And now Tony was almost telling him he had done that because he was scared to loose him.
-I know it's not very rational, Gibbs. But when you put your hand on my cheek I realized I had already lived this moment years ago. It was feeling good at first but then I remembered how it ended. I could not control this fear, Boss. I could not loose you like I had lost Eric.
-So you left…?
Tony looked up at Gibbs and the older man saw in his eyes what he was feeling before Tony could say a word. Tony's eyes could not lie to someone who knew him as good as Gibbs.
-I didn't only need to leave…I had to hurt you…to keep you away from me. I was not really aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it. But I knew I had to protect you…
-But your father could not hurt me…
Tony didn't hear Gibbs say those words.
-I could not loose you because of him…I could not let him kill someone I loved one more time…
Tony didn't realize what he had just said. He had let the words go out of his mouth without thinking…For the first time in his life he had put down the mask and let someone see whom he really was. Gibbs was so surprised that he could not move…he didn't even dare breathing…He was scared to wake up once again and realize it was only a dream.
-Boss…? Are you ok?
Tony's voice brought him back to the present and for a minute Gibbs thought he had not heard Tony well. The younger man was smiling at him, his eyes still wet. Gibbs could have stayed like that for hours…saying nothing…only looking at Tony's warm smile…at Tony's eyes. He could have spent the rest of his life holding Tony's hand.
-I'm ok, Tony. I was just surprised by your words…after what happened this morning…
-Nothing of what I said this morning was true.
-I know that now, Tony. But it was so hard to hear you say what you said…I knew you would never have those kinds of feelings for me but I thought that, at least, you would understand and forgive me…
Tony took Gibbs hands in his and placed them on his chest.
-I hope that you will forgive me, Gibbs. I know nothing could erase what I said and did but maybe…
Gibbs could feel Tony's heart under his palm. The younger man's heart was beating fast.
-Maybe with time, you will forgive me…And give me another chance.
There was so much hope in Tony's voice that Gibbs almost put his rams around Tony's shoulders and kissed him. But he wanted to savour this moment…the special moment when you realize your dearest dream is about to come true. He wanted to engraved those minutes in his memory so he could still remember them when he is too old to remember anything else. Gibbs eyes didn't leave Tony's eyes. They stayed a long moment like that…the only sound in the room was their hearts beating at the same rhythm. It was almost too good to be true.
Tony was beginning to worry. He had hoped that Gibbs would forgive him. He didn't know for how long he had feelings for Gibbs but it was obvious to him that it was so much more than friendship or respect. When Gibbs had told him he loved his first thought had been that he had finally found his true love. The fear had overwhelmed him not long after and he had made what would probably be the biggest mistake of his life.
Gibbs was obviously not ready to forgive him. The older man was looking at him and he was unable to guess what he was thinking. Tony released Gibbs' hands. He would not plea him…He would not ask once more for forgiveness. He knew Gibbs would not accept that. Tony was about to stand up when he felt Gibbs' hand on his knee.
-Do you really want me to give you another chance? You need to be sure, Tony. I don't want you to feel obliged to do it…I don't want you to do it out of guilt…
-I won't lie to you, Jethro. I'm not sure of many things right now. But I know I've not felt like that for years. I've never felt so close to someone…I've never been so scared when I realized I could loose you…
-I love you, Tony… and nothing will change that but I need you to be sure of what you feel. It would be too hard to loose you… again…Take the time you need to clear your mind and decide what you want to do.
-Please, Jethro… Don't leave me…Don't push me away…
Tony sounded so lost that Gibbs could not resist and took him in his arms. He placed a hand in Tony's hair and placed the younger man's head on his chest.
-I'm here, Tony. I won't push you away. I will never leave you as long as you want me at your side. I love you so much.
Tony closed his eyes.
He knew he had found his true love…
He realized deep inside he was where he belonged….He could feel Gibbs' love.
-I forgive you, Tony. My love is strong enough to forgive anything.
Tony's ears recognized Gibbs' voice but his heart could hear Eric's voice telling him the same thing. He had found peace…He knew that Eric would not have blamed him for what happened because he loved him. He realized that love was worth fighting for and that he had the right to love and be loved in return.
The shadows of the past left his heart when he said the words he had kept inside for so long.
-I love you, Jethro.
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